We always talk about the pain of breaking up with a significant other, but we rarely talk about friendship breakups. They HURT too!
Friendship Breakups: Dear my ex-best friend(s), Thank you, Next
1. Showing up-
Let’s be honest, life comes at you fast and things aren’t always like they “used to be”, but a true friend is a friend no matter where you are OR they are in life. Friendship to me can be defined as a host of things but if I had to choose 3 things I value most in my friendships, it would be:
Showing up, to me, means being there no matter what. It means supporting your friends in their endeavors. It means doing exactly what you say you will do. Lastly, it means being selfless and playing an active role in your friendships. For my friends, I SHOW UP even when I don’t feel like it because I would hope they’d do the same for me.
2. Having mutual respect-
Respect is so important. You have to respect your friend’s choices and decisions even when you don’t agree. You have to respect their thoughts and opinions. Finally, you have to respect their relationships. Ultimately, you must RESPECT them as another woman who may be very different from you.
3. Remaining Loyal-
There is nothing like having someone on your team who you never have to question. Someone who speaks highly of you in your presence and your absence. Someone who can stand the rain and remain the same through it all.
Gaining and Losing friends
I have gained and lost friends during many different seasons of my life, and for many different reasons. One story sticks out to me. Maybe because it’s the most recent or maybe it’s because it hurt the most. Either way here it goes:
One particular woman I lost as a friend couldn’t grasp this concept of showing up. Our friendship was very one-sided and borderline toxic. I am definitely the SHOW UP kind of friend, and she was flakier than a Pillsbury biscuit.
ME: Oh you’re graduating? I will be there! Having a baby? What do you need? It’s your birthday! Let’s plan something.
HER: Oh you’re getting married? Sorry, I can make it to the bachelorette party that’s down the street from my house. Oh you’re having a party? I can’t make it it’s raining. Oh there’s a concert? I’m sorry 7 pm is too late for me.
I wish I were exaggerating, insert side-eye. Any day & Any time, I was there; She was not.
Neither time nor distance could stop me from showing up. But this girl had excuses on top of excuses. My feelings would be hurt initially, but those hurt feelings turned into anger and resentment very quickly. I was amazed that I managed to show up when I lived 8 hours away, and she wouldn’t even drive down the street for me. I was amazed that her communication to me needed to come through another friend as if my number hadn’t been the same for the last 10 years.
Realization
It took me a while to realize it, but the anger I felt while trying to keep a friend was just not worth it. I quickly realized that this friendship was no longer beneficial to me. I learned that I could no longer blame her for my feelings because it was a choice to remain friends or not. Eventually, I made the choice to end this friendship and I am so happy I did!
As I’ve gotten older and experienced more adult friendships, I’ve been more careful with labeling people my friend. I’m much more selective and rightfully so. To all my used to be friends and my friends no more:
No hard feelings, and I wish you the best. But Ariana Grande said it best, “Thank You, Next!”.
About the Author:
Jalisa Nichole is a fourth grade teacher with a newly discovered passion for blogging. Her blogs reveals the all the lessons she’s learned on life’s adventures. When she isn’t teaching or blogging, you can find her shopping, watching videos on YouTube, or spending time with her husband.
Website:
www.Jalisa-Nichole.com
Instagram: @Jalisanichole_
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Friends can be a tricky situation at times. Ive definitely had some of these people in my life where I have gone out of my way to help but when the shoe was on the other foot got nothing in return. IT can be frustrating and sometimes devastating. I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older that it’s better to have a close knit smaller group of friends. When you’re younger you tend to spread yourself thin with multiple friends. Loyalty is a big one for me! Luckily I have a great group of friends now who check in when I’m sick or injured and who help out without questions asked. Great reminders for anyone.
Loyalty is huge! Thanks for reading!
I agree, it is heartbreaking to lose someone you thought was a really good friend. Growing up I had a small handful of friends I considered my best friends, out of the four I still am best friends with one of them whom I speak with almost daily. The other three? One stopped hanging out with me because I wasn’t able to go out and party all the time, give them rides when they wanted to spend a bunch of $$ to go out with them. One stopped talking to me when I got into a serious relationship (male friend) and the other we kind of grew apart as well due to my serious relationship which turned into marriage + kids (also a male friend). You learn and you grow, those who are true friends will stick by your side and be supportive.
After my best friend died, I lost a lot of people in my life. Mostly toxic people, and that was amazing. Now, if people want to walk out of my life, I’ll gladly hold the door open! It is a very freeing experience to know who will stick by me in the worst times and who won’t. I will do anything in the world for those who did stick with me through that experience, but I’ve definitely reeled in that category to only be a few people. I don’t fight to keep people in my life now, and I used to be exactly like you. I was the one who always showed up, no matter what.
It always hurts losing a friend but some just aren’t worth hanging on to.
Life changes, and often friends have to change too. It’s not worth the energy sometimes to try to keep up a friendship which is no longer working.
Friendship can be tough. I know there are times when I feel like I’m the one putting all of the effort into the friendship. When that happens I always step back and take a little break.
I too have one friend who has remained the same since elementary school. I’m so grateful for that friendship.
Relationship and respect goes hand in hand. If you don’t value yourself or time, people will take advantage of you. I don’t confuse the strength of a relationship with the length of a relationship.
There’s been some people who have just been there for statistics and nothing more.
How interesting, to use a popular song title (Thank You, Next!) as a source of inspiration. True, no matter what has brought the end to a friendship, we can appreciate the lessons we have learned and thank our ex friends for the gift of learning and maturing.
I have not faced these situations a lot. Maybe once or twice. It could be because I am very picky about my friends. I only let positive people in my life. 🙂
saying good bye to friends is such a heart break. i think it’s even worse when with boyfriend. or so I think. I have always valued friends a lot and it is painful to realize you are no longer wanted in your friend’s life.
I don’t remember ever using the term ‘friend’ loosely. I can count my friends on one hand, with plenty digits remaining. And, they’re not my friends because they’re always there for me or because they are in agreement with all that I do, but, they are because they are an active part of my life. We ‘get’ each other, we make ourselves uncomfortable to make the other person comfortable. Sometimes we don’t get to speak for weeks because we’re busy doing the things that our support for each other enables us to do. No one should ever be the only one keeping a friendship alive.
I’ve had some friendship breakups myself. These days I only have a select few solid friends and I’m very happy that way.
Sometimes friends just grow apart. Your priorities change and you don’t have as much in common. Friendship requires time and energy.